A common question I’ve been asked by cis people when it comes to me being trans is some variant of “why choose to be trans?” In a recent thread I happened to post on Bluesky¹, I went on a brief rant about how insensitive and ignorant that question happens to be.

Most people asking this probably aren’t trying to be cruel. Often they simply don’t understand what being trans actually feels like, or where that experience comes from. This blog post is going to expand on that rant, and hopefully, at least to some extent, help explain what it is like to be trans. Obviously I can only speak for my own experiences, but maybe it will speak to other trans people as well.

Personal Experience

I first started feeling like I was trans as a child. Hiding my chest when I went to the pool, being uncomfortable in the boys changing room at school, playing with girls’ toys, stuff like that. Of course it was brushed off by my parents and I was pushed to act more like a boy. I didn’t know transitioning was a thing then, I was too young and immature to recognize what was going on with me.

Around the age of 16-18, I discovered communities and started exploring my identity more. I started identifying as genderfluid to try to see how things felt, and noticed that it felt more “correct” when friends of mine used she/her pronouns for me. So I decided to keep trying it, see how it went. Eventually around 2020 I decided to buy my first girl clothes, a simple shoulder strap shirt and a black skirt. I put them on and when I looked into the mirror, I cried.

That was when I realized who I really was. I eventually came out to my sibling and later eventually came out to my mother who was supportive but confused initially, but I know not everyone has the luxury of supportive parents. Once I was able to start being myself in person, I noticed my mood start to get better, and eventually a few years later I started hormones.

I deal with the struggles mentioned in this article every day. I can’t find a job due to the hiring rates plummeting, I don’t have insurance. I want to get SRS (sex reassignment surgery) but it’s tens of thousands of dollars without insurance. The changes in policies also affects hospitals, and in some cases the ability to find a job. I’m afraid of even going outside in my feminine clothes anymore due to fear of being attacked or harassed. The world is getting increasingly more hostile as things progress.

I struggle with dysphoria on a daily basis, I feel sick when I look in the mirror and see the wrong parts attached to my body, I feel uncomfortable going in men’s bathrooms, I cry to myself or to my partner in bed when I think about I don’t have a womb. It isn’t just a phase or something I can shrug off, it’s a part of me, and I’m struggling because the world is getting more hostile to my own existence.

I get called the wrong name by my family, I get called “he” or “him” by strangers despite literally having a visible chest and wearing a skirt or dress, I get called slurs or told I’ll never be a real woman when I go out in public. It’s all too much. I shouldn’t have to live like this, none of us should.

None of this is something I chose.

Dysphoria Is Not a Choice

The first thing I want to talk about is… it is not a choice. It is not something I would choose, even if it was. The “core” behind being trans is a mental disorder known as Gender Dysphoria², not everyone has it as intensely as others, not everyone who identifies as trans has it either. It however is a condition that affects a large majority of us, and is entirely out of our control. As the linked article describes at the start:

Some people who identify as transgender do experience “gender dysphoria,” a psychiatric diagnosis that refers to the psychological distress that results from an incongruence between one’s sex assigned at birth and one’s gender identity. Though gender dysphoria can sometimes begin in childhood, some people may not experience it until after puberty or much later.

The key takeaway here is the following sentence:

the psychological distress […] from an incongruence between one’s sex assigned at birth and one’s gender identity.

This isn’t a choice we make. This is something that is forced onto us, sometimes very early on, sometimes later in life. We have no control over it, and the article goes on to explain what “gender identity” is:

It is important to note that the term “gender identity” differs from “gender expression.” Gender identity refers to one’s psychological sense of their gender; gender expression refers to the way in which one presents to the world in a gendered way. For example, wearing a dress is considered a “feminine” gender expression, and wearing a tuxedo is considered a “masculine” gender expression. Gender expressions are culturally defined and vary across time and culture.

I cannot control the fact my brain believes it should be “the opposite sex.” I cannot control the fact my brain dissociates when I see myself in the mirror. I cannot control the fact my brain makes me intensely hurt emotionally when I think about the fact I was not given a womb and cannot bear a child. It is not my choice, it never was. I would never choose this, force it on anyone else, or even wish it upon anyone else. I have to deal with this, I have to go through this, I have to go through the surgeries and things otherwise I will continue to suffer in mental anguish.

I am not choosing these things, it was always out of my control from the start. I do not want to suffer like this practically every day of my life. I’d rather be born a woman from the beginning, but I can’t rewind time and make that happen. I wish I could, but I can’t.

For many trans people, this is the core of the experience: it wasn’t a choice, it wasn’t a decision, and it existed long before we had the words to describe it.

Propaganda and Hysteria

There is a lot of misinformation and propaganda about trans people circulating today. Unfortunately many people encounter trans issues primarily through political messaging, media narratives, or viral posts online.

The current administration spent millions³ on anti-trans advertisements during the election, there are groups that try to promote “LGB without the T,” and there are many other cases of people trying to portray trans people as dangerous or harmful. Narratives like these shape public perception, often without people ever hearing directly from trans people themselves.

A very common thing that happens is when a trans person commits a crime or does something terrible, media coverage can frame it in a way that makes it seem like it reflects on the entire community. But every community, every race, every religion, and every identity group has individuals who do bad things. No group is defined solely by its worst members.

It’s a tactic that has been used against many groups throughout history. Highlighting the worst example of a group and presenting it as representative of everyone else is an effective way to create fear and hostility.

I want to make one thing clear while discussing this also: I am not comparing what is happening to trans people to the holocaust or anything else. Everyone’s pain, suffering, and struggles are valid. Different groups experience discrimination in different ways. The point is simply that similar rhetorical tactics have been used many times throughout history.

The War on Diversity

Noting before I start here, that I did not coin “the war on diversity.”

There are growing political movements pushing for a return to strict social norms centered around ideas like the “nuclear family” and rigid expectations about gender roles. Policies targeting DEI initiatives, restrictions on trans healthcare, and legislation focused on limiting how trans people can exist in public life have created an environment that feels increasingly hostile for many people. These policies often affect more than just trans people. People of different races, religions, disabilities, and identities that fall outside traditional expectations can also be impacted by these shifts.

For many of us, it feels like progress toward equality is being challenged or rolled back, and that creates real fear about what rights might be targeted next.

Doing Your Part as an Ally

This is where allies can help.

Supporting trans people isn’t just about saying the right things. It can mean voting for leaders who support equality, speaking up when misinformation spreads, or showing solidarity when trans people are targeted politically or socially. Moments like this often determine whether harmful narratives grow stronger or begin to fade. Silence and neutrality can sometimes allow those narratives to dominate public conversation.

For those who care about equality, allyship is often measured less by words and more by actions.

Final Thoughts

I’m tired of this war, I’m tired of fighting for my rights. My life shouldn’t be a debate.

I didn’t choose to go through this, but I have no other choice but to live with it. What many trans people want is not special treatment, but simply the ability to live openly, safely, and without constantly having to justify our existence. If someone truly wants to support trans people, that support matters most when it moves beyond sympathy and into action.

Stop using words, and start using actions.